I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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