I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
