My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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