Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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