I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
