I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The air was thick with penises
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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