Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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