I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
