history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
