You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
