I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
