god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
