She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
