tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
