Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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