is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
