i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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