Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
