apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think your dad took our porno
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
