Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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