Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
