Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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