clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
