I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
