Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
