you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She announced her abortion via fbk
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
