I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
