Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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