My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
