I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
