you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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