I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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