Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
