I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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