He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
