I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
