Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
