I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
