I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Life without a bra equals bliss.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
