I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
