well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
