soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
