he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
