Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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