i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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