When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
