The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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