whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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