my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
