Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
