apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
