Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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