Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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