So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
