it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
