I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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