I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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