youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
